Wank words

6 06 2011

This is a list of my pet irritants, with accompanying reasons for said irritation. Sometimes it’s because there is a better, shorter word; sometimes because I do not understand it, but mostly because I think they are full of wank. Feel free to add, subtract, or tell me I’m full of wank.

Your starters are:

Bogan: methinks the latte-sippers doth protest too much (speaking as an inner-city, latte sipping, elitist wanker). Watching Q&A does not imply critical thought or style.

Cashed-up bogan: there are plenty of things to call people who own two cars, three 60-something inch TVs, and have fake tans applied every four weeks. Those with healthy bank balances or maxed-out credit cards?

Co-Captain / Founder: it’s not The Beatles. Someone had the idea first or is better at it.

Courage: I don’t give a flying fuck if you’re playing with a broken leg; if you’re running around a park for the entertainment of others you are not courageous.

Educator: just teach, will you. Even professors do it, so if your charges are under voting age, be a teacher & be proud of it

Elite: Antonym of bogan, apparently (speaking as a Novocastrian-born, football-loving, trackie-dak wearing bogan)

Evangelist: don’t. Just don’t. Advocate, unless you’re bringing a revival tent to TEDx

Foodie: I blame this on anti-European attitudes, which dictate that any French word is a wank word. Wrong. Foodie means nothing. “I watch Masterchef, therefore I am a foodie?” No. If you take pleasure in food, you are a gourmand.

Futurist: one, I admit, may be a profession, but one I don’t understand. Sounds like a cross between inventor & the Wizard of Oz.

Guru: oh, this is right up there. See ‘evangelist’, swap the tent for saffron robes.

‘…gate’: there is only one ‘gate’: Watergate. Resulted in resignation of a US President? Anything less is just full of wank.

Humourist: see educator. You are a comedian. If you bring the funny by drawing, you’re a cartoonist. If your writing makes people laugh, you’re still a writer. Just a funny one.

Kim: do not abbreviate someone’s name without asking them. It’s impolite. This is different to a nickname, i.e. …

Kimbo: … which is generally a term of endearment, as opposed to …

Kimberley: … which is my nom de work.

Legend: too readily applied to those who are not.

Masterchef: just fuck off. I love chefs, especially Marco Pierre White & Anthony Bourdain. My sister was a chef. To become even a sous chef requires years of peeling potatoes, cuts, burns & no tears. “I cried because they didn’t like my chocolate & prawn soufflé?” Imagine having a soufflé thrown against a wall by a chef who is about to send mains to a table of four. That’s pressure.

‘… one of Australia’s leading …’: says who? Even TIME’s lists are subjective.

Pastafarian: last time I looked, the key ingredient of pasta was wheat, not plasma.

Plating Up: see “Masterchef”. Your kitchen bench does not qualify as a pass in a commercial kitchen.

Political spin: a favourite of lazy journos who call political advisers for story ideas 10 minutes before they go to news conference, & then write about how much governments spend on political advisers. It’s a symbiotic relationship, and one I will expand on.

Senior party source: journalistic code for pissed-off backbench MP and / or photocopying kid.

Share: “Thanks for sharing.” I can’t explain it, I just loathe the saying as much as the very intimate *hug* has a metaphysical attribute that somehow escapes me.

Sustainable: as opposed to? Unsustainability can be measured via changes in behaviour / consumption over time. Sustainability is dependent on it happening, & is therefore difficult to argue.

Winning: a la Charlie Sheen. It’s not. It’s losing everything.

Wonk: About .037 per cent of the population is actively engaged as policy wonks. Chances are if you describe yourself as a wonk, you’ve just discovered “The West Wing”, almost a decade after it finished.